My Time - November 2009

by Melissa Vanover


Everything Happens for a Reason


Our hearts are broken, so we can differentiate that emotion from what it feels like to be truly loved, once we find love. Everything – everyone – in our personal path serves a purpose and takes part in our experience (I’ll explain).

Some of us become experts, if you will, of pain. I call those of us “Pain Bearers.” We’re soldiers for God. We’re allowed pain of every kind just like Job from the story in the Bible. Some of us hurt so bad that we want to die. We beg for death to take us (see the verse, Job 3:21).

I could not, in the midst of all my pain, understand why it was happening to me. Along with many others, I have always considered myself as being a very loving, caring, and giving people-pleaser, and a social butterfly. So why would anyone want to hurt me?

Sitting here, looking at my 25-year sentence and wrapped up in every imaginable emotion, I found myself bound by the sin of homosexuality. I’ve never been “alone” (without a companion) and that notion had been my biggest fear. I’ve had a significant other since the age of 15. Now, at 38-years old, I don’t know how to be “alone” and just the thought terrifies me.

Satan played on that fear, sending a sweet-talking female my way. The sin alone was painful; nothing even feels good. It may appear to feel good, but in the end, it’s hell. It left me very broken and ashamed.

My faith was shaken, I was ready to give up, and the pain became too great. I had no strength, no fight left in me. I actually prayed that cancer would take me, rather than continue to live to be hurt the way I had been.

But, thank God for my Christian friends, the Chaplain, and the power of prayer. They laid hands on me. Along with all the prayers, I get back strength and faith each day. I’m getting stronger. I’ve been without a companion for a month now, which is a long time considering that I haven’t been without one for the past 23 years. There has always been someone, so it’s a step! It’s a step closer to being who God has wanted me to be.

All of this is part of the testimony I’ve been sharing with others.

Yes, it’s hard to be without someone, when it’s all you know; it’s like having hurt your legs and you’re unable to walk. It hurts and it’s terrifying not knowing if you will walk again. And just as a therapist, God is holding your hand through it all, encouraging you to just hold on to his truth and speaking that it will be alright.

With faith, God helps you through every storm, so you’re never really “alone”. Everything happens for a reason. We may never know the end result of our pain or the storm, but God does. He knows how much pain the human heart and body can handle. In Job 2:6, it reads that everything is for the good of his plan.

My experience enables me to help someone else who is dealing with that same sin. I know the pain and confusion and how it will have one bound. But, if only a person would turn a cheek away from that sin and hold onto God’s truth, the person would be blessed.

It will be hard. No one said it would be easy to win that place in heaven. Just keep pushing on and the reward will be great.

I’m not perfect. I’m not a saint. I’m not a fake. I’m sick. That’s why I go to church: it’s a hospital for sinners and the Lord knows I’m sick in sin. I’m just able to admit it. I need help. I can’t do this alone. That’s why I call on the Lord. My help comes from the Lord. (Thank you, Father.) I may not know everything about the Bible or quote scripture, but I do know that God loves me and he is the truth, the way, and the only way.

One day, somewhere, somehow, God will put in my life my soul mate. I will search no more. I will not feel pain, only love. And I will be complete. Until then, I stand in God’s word and wait.

I just hope that God realizes I’m not getting any younger. Smile.